The other night, I had a very difficult conversation with my almost-17 year old son (who, by the way, is amazing, funny, sweet, handsome, crazy talented, and one of the brightest lights of my life <of course>). During this conversation, he admitted to me that he's struggling with debilitating anxiety and stress and has thought about killing himself.
That phrase right there froze my world on its axis. I actually felt it slow down, stop spinning, and freeze as he said those words.
Of course, my thoughts immediately leap to a dark, dark world without this amazing, funny, sweet, handsome, crazy talented boy who is one of the brightest lights of my life, and I'm terrified. Utterly terrified. In fact, the fear is so intense that I can, even now, barely type the words.
We continue our conversation with me promising to get him help, imploring him not to do anything drastic, and promising him that I can "fix" this. (His older sister has raging OCD, and she's doing great now on the correct medication, so we both know that my son can feel better too.) I'm so thankful he trusted me enough to tell me and is no longer suffering in silence.
But oh my God, the fear! Two months ago, I would have dealt with this with at least one bottle of wine. In fact, I probably would have already had half a bottle in me because we didn't have this talk until 8 pm. The next morning, I would have woken up with a raging hangover, and I would have had to deal with that in addition to finding my child the help he needs.
However, I noticed something amazing. I had NO desire for wine during or after this conversation. I was thankful for my clarity of mind as we were talking and while I was dealing with the emotions afterwards.
Yesterday was stressful, as it proved exceedingly difficult to find a good doctor (one that doesn't have shitty reviews online) who takes our insurance to see him quickly. Yet again though, I was thankful that I had no hangover clouding my mind as I scrambled to find him help. This was hard enough without the added handicap of a hangover.
And last night, exhausted, I wanted something comforting so badly, but I didn't want wine! Instead, I worked out hard at the gym and had a nice, large bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce.
I am so thankful I am not drinking!
(I'm taking my son to the doctor today. I will make sure that this boy of mine feels better!)
I'm so sorry to hear your son is going through a difficult time. That must be so stressful for you. Well done for not drinking, it would be easy to just say 'stuff it!' Being there fully present for your son is wonderful and he will really appreciate it, even if he doesn't say so. I hope you got the doctors appointment. Will be thinking of you and your son. A x
ReplyDeleteI have been where your son is and you should feel very honoured that he confided in you and has asked for help.
ReplyDeleteYour support will be very important to him.
The doctor is a good start.
So scary.
So sorry to hear this. I am glad he share it with you. You know what's going on. Keep us update. It is very sad and scary at the same time. Hopefully a doctor will help.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your comments! My son is doing well. Neither of us really cared for the place we went on Friday, so I'm going to continue looking for a doctor for him. In the mean time, he's doing much better because I took away the largest source of stress in his life right now (braces). I need to make sure his head is in a good place before we even think about the braces again.
ReplyDelete