That Damned Voice

So there's a term in the recovery community for the voice living in your head that tries to convince you to drink; it's called your AV - or Addictive Voice.  It's a real thing, and there's one in my head.  I call mine my DV - or Damned Voice - because I hate it so very much.

Over the last week, that Damned Voice in my head has been working overtime, trying to convince me to drink. While Thanksgiving was nice (my parents came to visit), the lack of wine was a huge, gaping hole to me in the whole celebration.  I can't remember the last Thanksgiving I had without wine...probably 17 years ago when I was pregnant with my son.  That's sad...I know...but what's even more sad was how much I missed it. Of course, the Voice didn't miss this glorious opportunity to try to convince me that one night of drinking would be a wonderful relief.  It tells me that one night won't hurt, and I can get back on board with no drinking the very next day. I've even planned when I was going to have this night - next weekend when my husband is away (because I don't want him to be able to talk me out of it). The Voice scares me when it's strong like this and convincing me to do things I really don't want to do.

I don't want to drink next weekend! (I do! I don't! I do! I don't!) I really, really don't want to drink next weekend.  Last night, I downloaded a couple more books on to my Kindle. I've found that drinking/sobriety memoirs help remind me of why I'm not drinking anymore.  I finished my last one a week ago and hadn't started another.  One of the books I downloaded was Mrs. D is Going Without by Lotta Dann. Oh my! I can totally related to the author! I stayed up late reading her book, and she's inspired me to put more effort into my blogging. My hopes are that writing in my blog will be yet another tool in my sobriety toolbox.  Rather than giving in to that DV, I can write about it instead.

One more tool... will it be enough to get me through next weekend???

It's my birthday, and I'm celebrating by NOT drinking!

So today is my 47th birthday, and I'm going to celebrate and NOT drink alcohol. I'm on Day 27, and I think this might actually be the first birthday since I turned 21 that I haven't drunk alcohol. (That fact alone is kind of sad.)

I have to admit, the idea of a glass of wine with my dinner tonight sounds amazing, but I know I can't "just" drink a glass of wine with dinner. I'd have at least 3 and then end up stopping to buy a bottle on the way home. I'm not willing to mess things up at this point!

My husband took me out a couple nights ago to celebrate, and it was the first time I had EVER eaten in that particular restaurant without alcohol. I wanted a special drink, so I tried this drink called a Coconut Cooler. It was SO AMAZING! I've been missing out on amazing, non-alcoholic things for years without even realizing it!! It was so good, in fact, that I bought the ingredients and am going to try to re-create it here at home.

So tonight for my birthday, I'm going to celebrate by spending time with my children and ordering a nice, big, fat juicy steak!

It feels GREAT to be sober!!

A Battlefield of Triggers!

Last weekend, my parents came to visit. I noticed the week before that I started having a hard time catching a deep breath; I knew it was anxiety, but I didn't know where it was coming from. There wasn't anything particularly stressful going on in my life, and the only thing out of the ordinary was my parents' upcoming visit. I blew it off.

I was happy my parents were coming, but I was also a little nervous. I've been drinking heavily with them, specifically my dad, my entire adult life. I had told them already I wasn't drinking and to not bring wine to my house. They were fine with that, but I have to admit the thought of visiting with them without alcohol was really weird!

So they arrive on Friday, and everything is fine, of course, except my breathing was getting worse. Saturday we go to my son's percussion concert, and I felt like I simply could not breathe!! I sat in the bleachers completely freaking out, panicking, feeling like a super tight rubber band was wrapped around my chest, unable to get a deep breath. I knew it was anxiety, but WHY??? Then I started thinking about wine. I KNEW it was the ONLY way to relax enough to loosen the unbearable band around my chest. But I also knew there was no way I could have wine because I was with my husband and parents, and they all know I'm no longer drinking. So I started thinking (fantasizing) about having wine the next weekend; my husband would be gone, and it is my birthday, so perfect!! I began planning my wine...just a few drinks would be all I'd need to relax the horrible rubber band.

Fast forward to the end of the weekend; my parents leave, and I tell my husband what happened. I admitted to him that if I had been alone, I would have drunk. (Of course, now he's worried about leaving this weekend.).

Last night, Tuesday night, I mentioned to my husband that I wasn't having problems breathing anymore, and he said "of course you're not...your parents are gone.. You were surrounded by triggers all weekend!"

And he was right! I hadn't thought about it that way. I couldn't do one of the things I've always done with my parents, and it was freaking me out! Plus, my entire sobriety plan revolves around being active and doing things I couldn't do because my parents were visiting. I basically had to white-knuckle the entire weekend, and it was so stressful!

Now that I realize this, I need to figure out a better way to handle their next visit, which is Thanksgiving, only a short time away. What plan can I make to keep the anxiety and also the drinking away??? Right now, I have absolutely no idea. But I have to figure something out!!