So, here I am on a recovery site...

(Originally Written on 10/23/15 on a Recovery Site)

I have to say, I never thought I'd find myself on a website like this. I typically spend time on workout sites or healthy eating sites or Doberman sites or news sites or any place other than here.

What brings me here?

I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol. Wine specifically. And beer to a lesser extent. I love them both, but they don't love me. Or maybe they love me too much. Either way, hanging out with them is not helping me be the best version of myself. In fact, I truly believe that if I keep drinking, they will destroy me in the long run.

You might be wondering what finally got me to accept that I need to stop drinking. I've been a drinker my entire adult life. Not always to excess, but I've always enjoyed my beer and wine. I've gone through periods where I've consistently drunk way too much, only to back off, quit for a while, and regain control (or so I thought). Lately, however, I've been drinking every single day. Yes, that's right. Every. Single. Day. Most days, I'd have a bottle of wine. The entire thing, and I'd usually want more when it was gone.

Last Friday night, I was home alone and was drinking my typical red wine, and I found myself thinking that I didn't even care for the taste of it. Yet I continued drinking it. Until it was gone. When I woke up the next morning, I accepted how ridiculous that was, and I found this site. I made the decision to not drink anymore. What a totally overwhelming thought! But I was going to do it!

I still had a bottle of wine in the house plus some beer. I should have thrown it out, but I didn't want to waste all that money. (Yeah, dumb, I know.) I ate lunch at home (wanted a beer with it, but resisted) and then went to my son's band contest all afternoon. By the time I had left that contest, the voice in my head had convinced me that I shouldn't waste the wine and that I'd just finish it today and start the no-drinking thing on Sunday. So I promptly went home and opened the bottle. By the time the bottle was half empty, I was worried I might run out before I went to bed, so I drove to the gas station and picked up another. I actually drank a glass out of that one as well.

I woke up feeling like utter crap Sunday morning and promptly poured the rest of the wine and my beer down the drain.

I haven't had a drink since then. I'm on Day 6. It feels like forever, yet it feels like nothing.

I started a hand-written journal, but I've never been a fan of writing things out by hand. I think I'm going to use this blog as my journal, and see how that goes. My life is pretty normal and boring, so I doubt this blog will be exciting, but it will at least provide me a way to talk to myself without looking like a nut.