Tonight was my first time out after stopping drinking (Day 13). I met some work friends for dinner, which really turned out to be for lots of drinks and dinner. There were two of us who didn't drink, but everyone else drank a TON. Lots of margaritas and shots. I didn't drink at all, wasn't even tempted. It was something to see them all getting lit! Funny at first, but then it got boring as time went on.
I was a bit concerned about my friends' reaction to me not drinking, especially when the shots came out. They wanted everyone at the table to have one (except for my non-drinking friend because he's Mormon, and everyone knows he doesn't drink). I said "No thanks, I'm not drinking." These friends know me pretty well, so they know that I usually drink (although I would not have ever done shots because I hate them). I got raised eye brows and more questioning, so I told them that I've decided not to drink anymore. They did ask why, and I told them that I decided I've been drinking too much so decided to quit altogether. They smiled, said "good for you," and stopped pushing me. It was really quite easy, and I was grateful.
I have to admit, I'm ridiculously proud of myself!!
Friday, October 30, 2015
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Tired, Irritable, and I Want Wine
So, it's the end of Day 10, and today was a hard day. I had to stay up way late last night to pick my son up from a band contest, so I didn't get much sleep. I'm tired and irritable, and all I can think about is drinking wine. I know it must be because I'm so darned tired, but it's annoying. I'm going to bed early, and hopefully tomorrow will be easier.
Friday, October 23, 2015
So, here I am on a recovery site...
(Originally Written on 10/23/15 on a Recovery Site)
I have to say, I never thought I'd find myself on a website like this. I typically spend time on workout sites or healthy eating sites or Doberman sites or news sites or any place other than here.
What brings me here?
I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol. Wine specifically. And beer to a lesser extent. I love them both, but they don't love me. Or maybe they love me too much. Either way, hanging out with them is not helping me be the best version of myself. In fact, I truly believe that if I keep drinking, they will destroy me in the long run.
You might be wondering what finally got me to accept that I need to stop drinking. I've been a drinker my entire adult life. Not always to excess, but I've always enjoyed my beer and wine. I've gone through periods where I've consistently drunk way too much, only to back off, quit for a while, and regain control (or so I thought). Lately, however, I've been drinking every single day. Yes, that's right. Every. Single. Day. Most days, I'd have a bottle of wine. The entire thing, and I'd usually want more when it was gone.
Last Friday night, I was home alone and was drinking my typical red wine, and I found myself thinking that I didn't even care for the taste of it. Yet I continued drinking it. Until it was gone. When I woke up the next morning, I accepted how ridiculous that was, and I found this site. I made the decision to not drink anymore. What a totally overwhelming thought! But I was going to do it!
I still had a bottle of wine in the house plus some beer. I should have thrown it out, but I didn't want to waste all that money. (Yeah, dumb, I know.) I ate lunch at home (wanted a beer with it, but resisted) and then went to my son's band contest all afternoon. By the time I had left that contest, the voice in my head had convinced me that I shouldn't waste the wine and that I'd just finish it today and start the no-drinking thing on Sunday. So I promptly went home and opened the bottle. By the time the bottle was half empty, I was worried I might run out before I went to bed, so I drove to the gas station and picked up another. I actually drank a glass out of that one as well.
I woke up feeling like utter crap Sunday morning and promptly poured the rest of the wine and my beer down the drain.
I haven't had a drink since then. I'm on Day 6. It feels like forever, yet it feels like nothing.
I started a hand-written journal, but I've never been a fan of writing things out by hand. I think I'm going to use this blog as my journal, and see how that goes. My life is pretty normal and boring, so I doubt this blog will be exciting, but it will at least provide me a way to talk to myself without looking like a nut.
I have to say, I never thought I'd find myself on a website like this. I typically spend time on workout sites or healthy eating sites or Doberman sites or news sites or any place other than here.
What brings me here?
I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol. Wine specifically. And beer to a lesser extent. I love them both, but they don't love me. Or maybe they love me too much. Either way, hanging out with them is not helping me be the best version of myself. In fact, I truly believe that if I keep drinking, they will destroy me in the long run.
You might be wondering what finally got me to accept that I need to stop drinking. I've been a drinker my entire adult life. Not always to excess, but I've always enjoyed my beer and wine. I've gone through periods where I've consistently drunk way too much, only to back off, quit for a while, and regain control (or so I thought). Lately, however, I've been drinking every single day. Yes, that's right. Every. Single. Day. Most days, I'd have a bottle of wine. The entire thing, and I'd usually want more when it was gone.
Last Friday night, I was home alone and was drinking my typical red wine, and I found myself thinking that I didn't even care for the taste of it. Yet I continued drinking it. Until it was gone. When I woke up the next morning, I accepted how ridiculous that was, and I found this site. I made the decision to not drink anymore. What a totally overwhelming thought! But I was going to do it!
I still had a bottle of wine in the house plus some beer. I should have thrown it out, but I didn't want to waste all that money. (Yeah, dumb, I know.) I ate lunch at home (wanted a beer with it, but resisted) and then went to my son's band contest all afternoon. By the time I had left that contest, the voice in my head had convinced me that I shouldn't waste the wine and that I'd just finish it today and start the no-drinking thing on Sunday. So I promptly went home and opened the bottle. By the time the bottle was half empty, I was worried I might run out before I went to bed, so I drove to the gas station and picked up another. I actually drank a glass out of that one as well.
I woke up feeling like utter crap Sunday morning and promptly poured the rest of the wine and my beer down the drain.
I haven't had a drink since then. I'm on Day 6. It feels like forever, yet it feels like nothing.
I started a hand-written journal, but I've never been a fan of writing things out by hand. I think I'm going to use this blog as my journal, and see how that goes. My life is pretty normal and boring, so I doubt this blog will be exciting, but it will at least provide me a way to talk to myself without looking like a nut.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Day 5
Today was Day 5, and it was pretty ok. Smilie I physically felt better than I have all week, although I'm still tired since I'm not sleeping well. I had some pretty strong urges this afternoon at work, which seem to happen like clockwork every afternoon. I got a cup of coffee, and that seemed to help. I wasn't tempted at all after that.
I'm taking a day off work tomorrow just for grins. Not really sure what I'm going to do as we're in the middle of a huge "rain event" as they call it on the news. I think I may just relax and read and do a lot of nothing!
I'm taking a day off work tomorrow just for grins. Not really sure what I'm going to do as we're in the middle of a huge "rain event" as they call it on the news. I think I may just relax and read and do a lot of nothing!
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Telling My Husband
So today, Day 4, has been the hardest so far. I'm not feeling well, very hazy with a headache and troubles concentrating at work. I've been extremely irritable, and I hate that feeling. I was starting to get mad about the whole never being able to drink again thing, which of course caused that stupid voice in my head to go into overdrive.
However, I pushed that all aside and followed through on today's plan, which was to lift weights after work, stop at the grocery store (without buying wine) to get dinner, make dinner and enjoy it with my family. I feel good about accomplishing all that.
The biggest positive about today - and it's HUGE - is that I finally told my husband about my drinking...and my stopping. It's always been this elephant in the room, and we never talked about it. Probably because he's a smart man and knows that his calling me out on my drinking would have only had a negative impact and also because I refused to ever bring up the subject until now. I was really worried about talking to him because I (foolishly) thought he would look down on me. Of course, he was wonderful and has even decided to throw away all his liquor in the house and stop drinking himself AND stop smoking. He doesn't have a drinking problem, but he does with the smoking. He's quit a number of times since we got married 6 years ago, but as soon as he drinks, he starts smoking again. Because of the smoking, he totally understands where I'm at right now, which is so comforting to me. Not surprisingly, most of my irritation went away after I shared it with him. I am SO relieved that I talked to him!!
However, I pushed that all aside and followed through on today's plan, which was to lift weights after work, stop at the grocery store (without buying wine) to get dinner, make dinner and enjoy it with my family. I feel good about accomplishing all that.
The biggest positive about today - and it's HUGE - is that I finally told my husband about my drinking...and my stopping. It's always been this elephant in the room, and we never talked about it. Probably because he's a smart man and knows that his calling me out on my drinking would have only had a negative impact and also because I refused to ever bring up the subject until now. I was really worried about talking to him because I (foolishly) thought he would look down on me. Of course, he was wonderful and has even decided to throw away all his liquor in the house and stop drinking himself AND stop smoking. He doesn't have a drinking problem, but he does with the smoking. He's quit a number of times since we got married 6 years ago, but as soon as he drinks, he starts smoking again. Because of the smoking, he totally understands where I'm at right now, which is so comforting to me. Not surprisingly, most of my irritation went away after I shared it with him. I am SO relieved that I talked to him!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Day 3
So it's mid-afternoon, the time of day where I start thinking about wine after work. Thoughts of stopping at the gas station and picking up a bottle and heading home to relax on the couch. I really don't like this time of day! I've already had to tell that voice to "shut it!" a couple times, and I'm sure I will a few more before the day is over. Even more difficult today is that no one will be home fore quite a few hours after I get home. That was always my favorite time to drink wine.
So I've made a plan. I'm going to drive straight home; I'm not stopping for gas (thankfully, I really don't need any today). Then I'm going to take the Doberman on a long walk before I need to pick my son up from marching band practice. Then I'm going to get online and read recovery success stories for a while. Hopefully that will get me over the hump. If I make it past 6 or 6:30, I should be in the clear.
In the last few days, I've caught myself thinking a number of times that I don't really think my drinking is all that bad. When I compare myself to people on Intervention or even to what I've been reading in the books I've downloaded, I think "hey, maybe I'm being too hard on myself; I'm not that bad. I probably just need to cut back." So I made myself write down a list of all the things I've done while drunk that I'm not proud of. It's quite a long list, and I'm not even done! I actually had to stop because my hand hurt! When that voice starts up telling me I can drink and keep it under control, I'm going to read that list. It's a sobering list...
So I've made a plan. I'm going to drive straight home; I'm not stopping for gas (thankfully, I really don't need any today). Then I'm going to take the Doberman on a long walk before I need to pick my son up from marching band practice. Then I'm going to get online and read recovery success stories for a while. Hopefully that will get me over the hump. If I make it past 6 or 6:30, I should be in the clear.
In the last few days, I've caught myself thinking a number of times that I don't really think my drinking is all that bad. When I compare myself to people on Intervention or even to what I've been reading in the books I've downloaded, I think "hey, maybe I'm being too hard on myself; I'm not that bad. I probably just need to cut back." So I made myself write down a list of all the things I've done while drunk that I'm not proud of. It's quite a long list, and I'm not even done! I actually had to stop because my hand hurt! When that voice starts up telling me I can drink and keep it under control, I'm going to read that list. It's a sobering list...
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