“I Drank My Dinner Last Night”

No, not me.  No worries.  

This was from a co-worker yesterday during lunch.  At the table were three other co-workers: my friend who quit drinking when I did, another lady, and a male co-worker.  The conversation continued with how of course you don’t eat when you’re drinking dinner because you know “the calories.” My friend, the one who’s quit, commented that this really is not all that healthy, and she was shot down by our other co-worker with the “drinking and eating is just too many calories!" mantra. The conversation went on for a while, but I chose to remain quiet.  So did my friend after her one comment.

The sad part is, every single person at the table knew that my friend and I have stopped drinking. And we’ve told them why. Yet on the conversation goes about great drinking is.

I have another co-worker who at least every other day tells me how crazy I am for stopping and that I need to go home and have a bottle of wine.

What I Learned:  My co-workers are nuts, but I enjoy them anyway! And I shouldn’t judge the drinking of others just because I have a drinking problem. Nor should I listen to them when they tell me to drink wine! (Yeah, that last one is a bit on the obvious side.)

Calm Waters

I’ve been quiet on my blog this week because things here have been quiet.  I’ve just been working, taking care of my family, working out, watching TV, hanging with my kids, cuddling with my dogs, and playing around with my new hobby at night (90-gallon aquarium).

You know what’s not in that list?

Obsessing about wine. 

Yes, I’ve had some conversations about it with a few people, but wine really hasn’t taken up any space in my head at all in the last four days.  It’s a WONDERFUL feeling.  I realize how quickly this can change, but I’m certainly enjoying it while I can!

On a different topic, I’ve been working with an online  trainer/coach on and off for the last two years. In addition to crafting me some pretty awesome lifting programs and helping me with nutrition, he’s been so supportive of my decision not to drink. Honestly, he’s more than a coach; I consider him a friend at this point.  

This week, he shared a method of processing emotions called SIFTing.  It means to:

1. What is the SITUATION? (the event or person that triggered the emotion)
2. Do you notice INTERPRETATIONS or thoughts that relate to your experience?
3. What FEELINGS and sensations do you notice in your body?
4. What TENDENCIES show up? Meaning... are you compelled to respond a certain way?

I think that not only is this a great way to deal with difficult emotions or situations, it’s perfect for working through those times when the Damned Voice is on the attack.  It provides a structure that’s easy to use, yet so effective.  I look forward to using this next time I start hearing the DV rattling around in my head.

My God! How Fast Things Can Change!

Yesterday morning, I was feeling great and wrote my post about how just one week changed my attitude and desire to drink so completely.

But get this!

By mid-afternoon, the urge to drink was almost unbearable again! How can this be? I had just spent all that time thinking about how wonderful it is to be sober, how lovely it is going to bed having had nothing to drink, and waking up hangover-free!

And suddenly, all I could think about was how I desperately wanted wine and that it was a perfect night to have some, especially since my husband is out of town and won't have to know.  I ended up white-knuckling the entire afternoon and evening!  I distracted myself by spending time with my daughter and her boyfriend at the dog park (beautiful weather here finally!) and taking them out for sushi.  I usually drink 2-3 glasses of Cabernet at this restaurant, and this was the first time I've been there without drinking.  (Ok, so I admit that if any restaurant serves alcohol, I probably haven't eaten dinner there without drinking.)  Ordering my beverage was the tipping point of the night, but as much as I was tempted to order wine, I ended up with a glass of water in front of me.

And it all got better from there on out. No more urge to drink! Whew! I feel like I escaped by the skin of my teeth.

What I learned: That Damned Voice is tricky, and if I'm feeling at all cocky and sure of myself, it'll take that opportunity to strike; I need to keep my defenses up at all times.

What a Difference a Week Makes!

Last weekend was HARD. The holiday put me right at the very edge (see this post: That Damned Voice). At that time, I was actually planning how I was going to drink this weekend.  But now that this weekend has arrived, I've got no desire to drink, none whatsoever.

My thoughts last weekend scared me so badly that I upped my sobriety plan this last week, adding not only reading sober blogs but also blogging myself, and it's helped immensely.

My husband is out of town this weekend, so I spend last night quietly watching movies on the couch.  Yes, I ate ice cream, but I didn't drink, and I didn't feel like drinking. When it came time to go to bed, I reflected on how wonderful it felt to slide between cool, clean sheets completely sober.  What an amazing feeling! I've decided that this feeling is almost as wonderful as waking up with no hangover.

What I've learned this week:

• If I'm feeling like I need to drink, like there's no other damned option other than drinking, like my world is just going to end if I can't have a drink, hang tough, hold on with everything I've got, even if it means white-knuckling it.  The urge will pass. Sometimes faster than other times, but it will pass!

• Clean, cold sheets and being sober are a perfect combination, just like peanut butter and jelly!

FEAR

The other night, I had a very difficult conversation with my almost-17 year old son (who, by the way, is amazing, funny, sweet, handsome, crazy talented, and one of the brightest lights of my life <of course>).  During this conversation, he admitted to me that he's struggling with debilitating anxiety and stress and has thought about killing himself.

That phrase right there froze my world on its axis. I actually felt it slow down, stop spinning, and freeze as he said those words.

Of course, my thoughts immediately leap to a dark, dark world without this amazing, funny, sweet, handsome, crazy talented boy who is one of the brightest lights of my life, and I'm terrified.  Utterly terrified.  In fact, the fear is so intense that I can, even now, barely type the words.

We continue our conversation with me promising to get him help, imploring him not to do anything drastic, and promising him that I can "fix" this.  (His older sister has raging OCD, and she's doing great now on the correct medication, so we both know that my son can feel better too.)  I'm so thankful he trusted me enough to tell me and is no longer suffering in silence.

But oh my God, the fear! Two months ago, I would have dealt with this with at least one bottle of wine. In fact, I probably would have already had half a bottle in me because we didn't have this talk until 8 pm.  The next morning, I would have woken up with a raging hangover, and I would have had to deal with that in addition to finding my child the help he needs.

However, I noticed something amazing.  I had NO desire for wine during or after this conversation.  I was thankful for my clarity of mind as we were talking and while I was dealing with the emotions afterwards.

Yesterday was stressful, as it proved exceedingly difficult to find a good doctor (one that doesn't have shitty reviews online) who takes our insurance to see him quickly.  Yet again though, I was thankful that I had no hangover clouding my mind as I scrambled to find him help.  This was hard enough without the added handicap of a hangover.

And last night, exhausted, I wanted something comforting so badly, but I didn't want wine! Instead, I worked out hard at the gym and had a nice, large bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce.

I am so thankful I am not drinking!

(I'm taking my son to the doctor today. I will make sure that this boy of mine feels better!)

Laughter...It Really is Good Medicine

One thing I’ve noticed over the last couple weeks is that my husband and I are laughing together so much more lately.  Deep, genuine laughter that makes my soul sing. 

I like it.

Just in Case that Damned Voice in my Head Tries to Tell Me Differently...

There's this:

One MEASLY Pound!

Warning: Vanity Post! 

It’s been 45 days since I’ve had a drink. I was drinking an average of a bottle of red wine a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes I threw some beer in there for shits and giggles. 

I have gained about 15 pounds in the last year and a half.  In 2014, I hired a trainer, got a grip on my alcohol consumption, lost 12 pounds, and was THRILLED with my appearance (for a mid-40s woman, that in and of itself is pretty amazing).  Then, I got off track and started drinking more and more (again).  So now I’m up to my highest weight ever, mostly thanks to my love of red wine.  I am really hate the additional weight. 

I’m not going to lie; one of the reasons I gave up drinking was because I knew it was making me gain weight.  I was trying to lose weight, but really, how was that even possible with the wine?  If I was drinking an average of a bottle a day, that’s 600 calories a day in wine, 4,200 calories a week! That’s more than a pound of fat in a week, assuming a pound is 3,500 calories!

So LOGICALLY, once I gave up the wine…once I gave up 600 calories a DAY, 4,200 calories a WEEK, I should be able to lose some weight, RIGHT?!?! The laws of thermodynamics and all that still apply, RIGHT?!?!

ONE MEASLY POUND in 45 days!!! How can this possibly be? I’m eating the same as I was when I was drinking, so I should be losing weight!

I know, this is vain, but I admit it, sometimes I’m vain. This not drinking thing is really hard, so it sure would be great if I could at least lose some damned weight!

I'm bummed...

That Damned Voice

So there's a term in the recovery community for the voice living in your head that tries to convince you to drink; it's called your AV - or Addictive Voice.  It's a real thing, and there's one in my head.  I call mine my DV - or Damned Voice - because I hate it so very much.

Over the last week, that Damned Voice in my head has been working overtime, trying to convince me to drink. While Thanksgiving was nice (my parents came to visit), the lack of wine was a huge, gaping hole to me in the whole celebration.  I can't remember the last Thanksgiving I had without wine...probably 17 years ago when I was pregnant with my son.  That's sad...I know...but what's even more sad was how much I missed it. Of course, the Voice didn't miss this glorious opportunity to try to convince me that one night of drinking would be a wonderful relief.  It tells me that one night won't hurt, and I can get back on board with no drinking the very next day. I've even planned when I was going to have this night - next weekend when my husband is away (because I don't want him to be able to talk me out of it). The Voice scares me when it's strong like this and convincing me to do things I really don't want to do.

I don't want to drink next weekend! (I do! I don't! I do! I don't!) I really, really don't want to drink next weekend.  Last night, I downloaded a couple more books on to my Kindle. I've found that drinking/sobriety memoirs help remind me of why I'm not drinking anymore.  I finished my last one a week ago and hadn't started another.  One of the books I downloaded was Mrs. D is Going Without by Lotta Dann. Oh my! I can totally related to the author! I stayed up late reading her book, and she's inspired me to put more effort into my blogging. My hopes are that writing in my blog will be yet another tool in my sobriety toolbox.  Rather than giving in to that DV, I can write about it instead.

One more tool... will it be enough to get me through next weekend???

It's my birthday, and I'm celebrating by NOT drinking!

So today is my 47th birthday, and I'm going to celebrate and NOT drink alcohol. I'm on Day 27, and I think this might actually be the first birthday since I turned 21 that I haven't drunk alcohol. (That fact alone is kind of sad.)

I have to admit, the idea of a glass of wine with my dinner tonight sounds amazing, but I know I can't "just" drink a glass of wine with dinner. I'd have at least 3 and then end up stopping to buy a bottle on the way home. I'm not willing to mess things up at this point!

My husband took me out a couple nights ago to celebrate, and it was the first time I had EVER eaten in that particular restaurant without alcohol. I wanted a special drink, so I tried this drink called a Coconut Cooler. It was SO AMAZING! I've been missing out on amazing, non-alcoholic things for years without even realizing it!! It was so good, in fact, that I bought the ingredients and am going to try to re-create it here at home.

So tonight for my birthday, I'm going to celebrate by spending time with my children and ordering a nice, big, fat juicy steak!

It feels GREAT to be sober!!

A Battlefield of Triggers!

Last weekend, my parents came to visit. I noticed the week before that I started having a hard time catching a deep breath; I knew it was anxiety, but I didn't know where it was coming from. There wasn't anything particularly stressful going on in my life, and the only thing out of the ordinary was my parents' upcoming visit. I blew it off.

I was happy my parents were coming, but I was also a little nervous. I've been drinking heavily with them, specifically my dad, my entire adult life. I had told them already I wasn't drinking and to not bring wine to my house. They were fine with that, but I have to admit the thought of visiting with them without alcohol was really weird!

So they arrive on Friday, and everything is fine, of course, except my breathing was getting worse. Saturday we go to my son's percussion concert, and I felt like I simply could not breathe!! I sat in the bleachers completely freaking out, panicking, feeling like a super tight rubber band was wrapped around my chest, unable to get a deep breath. I knew it was anxiety, but WHY??? Then I started thinking about wine. I KNEW it was the ONLY way to relax enough to loosen the unbearable band around my chest. But I also knew there was no way I could have wine because I was with my husband and parents, and they all know I'm no longer drinking. So I started thinking (fantasizing) about having wine the next weekend; my husband would be gone, and it is my birthday, so perfect!! I began planning my wine...just a few drinks would be all I'd need to relax the horrible rubber band.

Fast forward to the end of the weekend; my parents leave, and I tell my husband what happened. I admitted to him that if I had been alone, I would have drunk. (Of course, now he's worried about leaving this weekend.).

Last night, Tuesday night, I mentioned to my husband that I wasn't having problems breathing anymore, and he said "of course you're not...your parents are gone.. You were surrounded by triggers all weekend!"

And he was right! I hadn't thought about it that way. I couldn't do one of the things I've always done with my parents, and it was freaking me out! Plus, my entire sobriety plan revolves around being active and doing things I couldn't do because my parents were visiting. I basically had to white-knuckle the entire weekend, and it was so stressful!

Now that I realize this, I need to figure out a better way to handle their next visit, which is Thanksgiving, only a short time away. What plan can I make to keep the anxiety and also the drinking away??? Right now, I have absolutely no idea. But I have to figure something out!!

First Night Out after Stopping

Tonight was my first time out after stopping drinking (Day 13). I met some work friends for dinner, which really turned out to be for lots of drinks and dinner. There were two of us who didn't drink, but everyone else drank a TON. Lots of margaritas and shots. I didn't drink at all, wasn't even tempted. It was something to see them all getting lit! Funny at first, but then it got boring as time went on.

I was a bit concerned about my friends' reaction to me not drinking, especially when the shots came out. They wanted everyone at the table to have one (except for my non-drinking friend because he's Mormon, and everyone knows he doesn't drink). I said "No thanks, I'm not drinking." These friends know me pretty well, so they know that I usually drink (although I would not have ever done shots because I hate them). I got raised eye brows and more questioning, so I told them that I've decided not to drink anymore. They did ask why, and I told them that I decided I've been drinking too much so decided to quit altogether. They smiled, said "good for you," and stopped pushing me. It was really quite easy, and I was grateful.

I have to admit, I'm ridiculously proud of myself!!

Tired, Irritable, and I Want Wine

So, it's the end of Day 10, and today was a hard day. I had to stay up way late last night to pick my son up from a band contest, so I didn't get much sleep. I'm tired and irritable, and all I can think about is drinking wine. I know it must be because I'm so darned tired, but it's annoying. I'm going to bed early, and hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

So, here I am on a recovery site...

(Originally Written on 10/23/15 on a Recovery Site)

I have to say, I never thought I'd find myself on a website like this. I typically spend time on workout sites or healthy eating sites or Doberman sites or news sites or any place other than here.

What brings me here?

I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol. Wine specifically. And beer to a lesser extent. I love them both, but they don't love me. Or maybe they love me too much. Either way, hanging out with them is not helping me be the best version of myself. In fact, I truly believe that if I keep drinking, they will destroy me in the long run.

You might be wondering what finally got me to accept that I need to stop drinking. I've been a drinker my entire adult life. Not always to excess, but I've always enjoyed my beer and wine. I've gone through periods where I've consistently drunk way too much, only to back off, quit for a while, and regain control (or so I thought). Lately, however, I've been drinking every single day. Yes, that's right. Every. Single. Day. Most days, I'd have a bottle of wine. The entire thing, and I'd usually want more when it was gone.

Last Friday night, I was home alone and was drinking my typical red wine, and I found myself thinking that I didn't even care for the taste of it. Yet I continued drinking it. Until it was gone. When I woke up the next morning, I accepted how ridiculous that was, and I found this site. I made the decision to not drink anymore. What a totally overwhelming thought! But I was going to do it!

I still had a bottle of wine in the house plus some beer. I should have thrown it out, but I didn't want to waste all that money. (Yeah, dumb, I know.) I ate lunch at home (wanted a beer with it, but resisted) and then went to my son's band contest all afternoon. By the time I had left that contest, the voice in my head had convinced me that I shouldn't waste the wine and that I'd just finish it today and start the no-drinking thing on Sunday. So I promptly went home and opened the bottle. By the time the bottle was half empty, I was worried I might run out before I went to bed, so I drove to the gas station and picked up another. I actually drank a glass out of that one as well.

I woke up feeling like utter crap Sunday morning and promptly poured the rest of the wine and my beer down the drain.

I haven't had a drink since then. I'm on Day 6. It feels like forever, yet it feels like nothing.

I started a hand-written journal, but I've never been a fan of writing things out by hand. I think I'm going to use this blog as my journal, and see how that goes. My life is pretty normal and boring, so I doubt this blog will be exciting, but it will at least provide me a way to talk to myself without looking like a nut.

Day 5

Today was Day 5, and it was pretty ok. Smilie I physically felt better than I have all week, although I'm still tired since I'm not sleeping well. I had some pretty strong urges this afternoon at work, which seem to happen like clockwork every afternoon. I got a cup of coffee, and that seemed to help. I wasn't tempted at all after that.

I'm taking a day off work tomorrow just for grins. Not really sure what I'm going to do as we're in the middle of a huge "rain event" as they call it on the news. I think I may just relax and read and do a lot of nothing!

Telling My Husband

So today, Day 4, has been the hardest so far. I'm not feeling well, very hazy with a headache and troubles concentrating at work. I've been extremely irritable, and I hate that feeling. I was starting to get mad about the whole never being able to drink again thing, which of course caused that stupid voice in my head to go into overdrive.

However, I pushed that all aside and followed through on today's plan, which was to lift weights after work, stop at the grocery store (without buying wine) to get dinner, make dinner and enjoy it with my family. I feel good about accomplishing all that.

The biggest positive about today - and it's HUGE - is that I finally told my husband about my drinking...and my stopping. It's always been this elephant in the room, and we never talked about it. Probably because he's a smart man and knows that his calling me out on my drinking would have only had a negative impact and also because I refused to ever bring up the subject until now. I was really worried about talking to him because I (foolishly) thought he would look down on me. Of course, he was wonderful and has even decided to throw away all his liquor in the house and stop drinking himself AND stop smoking. He doesn't have a drinking problem, but he does with the smoking. He's quit a number of times since we got married 6 years ago, but as soon as he drinks, he starts smoking again. Because of the smoking, he totally understands where I'm at right now, which is so comforting to me. Not surprisingly, most of my irritation went away after I shared it with him. I am SO relieved that I talked to him!!

Day 3

So it's mid-afternoon, the time of day where I start thinking about wine after work. Thoughts of stopping at the gas station and picking up a bottle and heading home to relax on the couch. I really don't like this time of day! I've already had to tell that voice to "shut it!" a couple times, and I'm sure I will a few more before the day is over. Even more difficult today is that no one will be home fore quite a few hours after I get home. That was always my favorite time to drink wine.

So I've made a plan. I'm going to drive straight home; I'm not stopping for gas (thankfully, I really don't need any today). Then I'm going to take the Doberman on a long walk before I need to pick my son up from marching band practice. Then I'm going to get online and read recovery success stories for a while. Hopefully that will get me over the hump. If I make it past 6 or 6:30, I should be in the clear.

In the last few days, I've caught myself thinking a number of times that I don't really think my drinking is all that bad. When I compare myself to people on Intervention or even to what I've been reading in the books I've downloaded, I think "hey, maybe I'm being too hard on myself; I'm not that bad. I probably just need to cut back." So I made myself write down a list of all the things I've done while drunk that I'm not proud of. It's quite a long list, and I'm not even done! I actually had to stop because my hand hurt! When that voice starts up telling me I can drink and keep it under control, I'm going to read that list. It's a sobering list...