So there's a term in the recovery community for the voice living in your head that tries to convince you to drink; it's called your AV - or Addictive Voice. It's a real thing, and there's one in my head. I call mine my DV - or Damned Voice - because I hate it so very much.
Over the last week, that Damned Voice in my head has been working overtime, trying to convince me to drink. While Thanksgiving was nice (my parents came to visit), the lack of wine was a huge, gaping hole to me in the whole celebration. I can't remember the last Thanksgiving I had without wine...probably 17 years ago when I was pregnant with my son. That's sad...I know...but what's even more sad was how much I missed it. Of course, the Voice didn't miss this glorious opportunity to try to convince me that one night of drinking would be a wonderful relief. It tells me that one night won't hurt, and I can get back on board with no drinking the very next day. I've even planned when I was going to have this night - next weekend when my husband is away (because I don't want him to be able to talk me out of it). The Voice scares me when it's strong like this and convincing me to do things I really don't want to do.
I don't want to drink next weekend! (I do! I don't! I do! I don't!) I really, really don't want to drink next weekend. Last night, I downloaded a couple more books on to my Kindle. I've found that drinking/sobriety memoirs help remind me of why I'm not drinking anymore. I finished my last one a week ago and hadn't started another. One of the books I downloaded was Mrs. D is Going Without by Lotta Dann. Oh my! I can totally related to the author! I stayed up late reading her book, and she's inspired me to put more effort into my blogging. My hopes are that writing in my blog will be yet another tool in my sobriety toolbox. Rather than giving in to that DV, I can write about it instead.
One more tool... will it be enough to get me through next weekend???
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
It's my birthday, and I'm celebrating by NOT drinking!
So today is my 47th birthday, and I'm going to celebrate and NOT drink alcohol. I'm on Day 27, and I think this might actually be the first birthday since I turned 21 that I haven't drunk alcohol. (That fact alone is kind of sad.)
I have to admit, the idea of a glass of wine with my dinner tonight sounds amazing, but I know I can't "just" drink a glass of wine with dinner. I'd have at least 3 and then end up stopping to buy a bottle on the way home. I'm not willing to mess things up at this point!
My husband took me out a couple nights ago to celebrate, and it was the first time I had EVER eaten in that particular restaurant without alcohol. I wanted a special drink, so I tried this drink called a Coconut Cooler. It was SO AMAZING! I've been missing out on amazing, non-alcoholic things for years without even realizing it!! It was so good, in fact, that I bought the ingredients and am going to try to re-create it here at home.
So tonight for my birthday, I'm going to celebrate by spending time with my children and ordering a nice, big, fat juicy steak!
It feels GREAT to be sober!!
I have to admit, the idea of a glass of wine with my dinner tonight sounds amazing, but I know I can't "just" drink a glass of wine with dinner. I'd have at least 3 and then end up stopping to buy a bottle on the way home. I'm not willing to mess things up at this point!
My husband took me out a couple nights ago to celebrate, and it was the first time I had EVER eaten in that particular restaurant without alcohol. I wanted a special drink, so I tried this drink called a Coconut Cooler. It was SO AMAZING! I've been missing out on amazing, non-alcoholic things for years without even realizing it!! It was so good, in fact, that I bought the ingredients and am going to try to re-create it here at home.
So tonight for my birthday, I'm going to celebrate by spending time with my children and ordering a nice, big, fat juicy steak!
It feels GREAT to be sober!!
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
A Battlefield of Triggers!
Last weekend, my parents came to visit. I noticed the week before that I started having a hard time catching a deep breath; I knew it was anxiety, but I didn't know where it was coming from. There wasn't anything particularly stressful going on in my life, and the only thing out of the ordinary was my parents' upcoming visit. I blew it off.
I was happy my parents were coming, but I was also a little nervous. I've been drinking heavily with them, specifically my dad, my entire adult life. I had told them already I wasn't drinking and to not bring wine to my house. They were fine with that, but I have to admit the thought of visiting with them without alcohol was really weird!
So they arrive on Friday, and everything is fine, of course, except my breathing was getting worse. Saturday we go to my son's percussion concert, and I felt like I simply could not breathe!! I sat in the bleachers completely freaking out, panicking, feeling like a super tight rubber band was wrapped around my chest, unable to get a deep breath. I knew it was anxiety, but WHY??? Then I started thinking about wine. I KNEW it was the ONLY way to relax enough to loosen the unbearable band around my chest. But I also knew there was no way I could have wine because I was with my husband and parents, and they all know I'm no longer drinking. So I started thinking (fantasizing) about having wine the next weekend; my husband would be gone, and it is my birthday, so perfect!! I began planning my wine...just a few drinks would be all I'd need to relax the horrible rubber band.
Fast forward to the end of the weekend; my parents leave, and I tell my husband what happened. I admitted to him that if I had been alone, I would have drunk. (Of course, now he's worried about leaving this weekend.).
Last night, Tuesday night, I mentioned to my husband that I wasn't having problems breathing anymore, and he said "of course you're not...your parents are gone.. You were surrounded by triggers all weekend!"
And he was right! I hadn't thought about it that way. I couldn't do one of the things I've always done with my parents, and it was freaking me out! Plus, my entire sobriety plan revolves around being active and doing things I couldn't do because my parents were visiting. I basically had to white-knuckle the entire weekend, and it was so stressful!
Now that I realize this, I need to figure out a better way to handle their next visit, which is Thanksgiving, only a short time away. What plan can I make to keep the anxiety and also the drinking away??? Right now, I have absolutely no idea. But I have to figure something out!!
I was happy my parents were coming, but I was also a little nervous. I've been drinking heavily with them, specifically my dad, my entire adult life. I had told them already I wasn't drinking and to not bring wine to my house. They were fine with that, but I have to admit the thought of visiting with them without alcohol was really weird!
So they arrive on Friday, and everything is fine, of course, except my breathing was getting worse. Saturday we go to my son's percussion concert, and I felt like I simply could not breathe!! I sat in the bleachers completely freaking out, panicking, feeling like a super tight rubber band was wrapped around my chest, unable to get a deep breath. I knew it was anxiety, but WHY??? Then I started thinking about wine. I KNEW it was the ONLY way to relax enough to loosen the unbearable band around my chest. But I also knew there was no way I could have wine because I was with my husband and parents, and they all know I'm no longer drinking. So I started thinking (fantasizing) about having wine the next weekend; my husband would be gone, and it is my birthday, so perfect!! I began planning my wine...just a few drinks would be all I'd need to relax the horrible rubber band.
Fast forward to the end of the weekend; my parents leave, and I tell my husband what happened. I admitted to him that if I had been alone, I would have drunk. (Of course, now he's worried about leaving this weekend.).
Last night, Tuesday night, I mentioned to my husband that I wasn't having problems breathing anymore, and he said "of course you're not...your parents are gone.. You were surrounded by triggers all weekend!"
And he was right! I hadn't thought about it that way. I couldn't do one of the things I've always done with my parents, and it was freaking me out! Plus, my entire sobriety plan revolves around being active and doing things I couldn't do because my parents were visiting. I basically had to white-knuckle the entire weekend, and it was so stressful!
Now that I realize this, I need to figure out a better way to handle their next visit, which is Thanksgiving, only a short time away. What plan can I make to keep the anxiety and also the drinking away??? Right now, I have absolutely no idea. But I have to figure something out!!
Friday, October 30, 2015
First Night Out after Stopping
Tonight was my first time out after stopping drinking (Day 13). I met some work friends for dinner, which really turned out to be for lots of drinks and dinner. There were two of us who didn't drink, but everyone else drank a TON. Lots of margaritas and shots. I didn't drink at all, wasn't even tempted. It was something to see them all getting lit! Funny at first, but then it got boring as time went on.
I was a bit concerned about my friends' reaction to me not drinking, especially when the shots came out. They wanted everyone at the table to have one (except for my non-drinking friend because he's Mormon, and everyone knows he doesn't drink). I said "No thanks, I'm not drinking." These friends know me pretty well, so they know that I usually drink (although I would not have ever done shots because I hate them). I got raised eye brows and more questioning, so I told them that I've decided not to drink anymore. They did ask why, and I told them that I decided I've been drinking too much so decided to quit altogether. They smiled, said "good for you," and stopped pushing me. It was really quite easy, and I was grateful.
I have to admit, I'm ridiculously proud of myself!!
I was a bit concerned about my friends' reaction to me not drinking, especially when the shots came out. They wanted everyone at the table to have one (except for my non-drinking friend because he's Mormon, and everyone knows he doesn't drink). I said "No thanks, I'm not drinking." These friends know me pretty well, so they know that I usually drink (although I would not have ever done shots because I hate them). I got raised eye brows and more questioning, so I told them that I've decided not to drink anymore. They did ask why, and I told them that I decided I've been drinking too much so decided to quit altogether. They smiled, said "good for you," and stopped pushing me. It was really quite easy, and I was grateful.
I have to admit, I'm ridiculously proud of myself!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Tired, Irritable, and I Want Wine
So, it's the end of Day 10, and today was a hard day. I had to stay up way late last night to pick my son up from a band contest, so I didn't get much sleep. I'm tired and irritable, and all I can think about is drinking wine. I know it must be because I'm so darned tired, but it's annoying. I'm going to bed early, and hopefully tomorrow will be easier.
Friday, October 23, 2015
So, here I am on a recovery site...
(Originally Written on 10/23/15 on a Recovery Site)
I have to say, I never thought I'd find myself on a website like this. I typically spend time on workout sites or healthy eating sites or Doberman sites or news sites or any place other than here.
What brings me here?
I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol. Wine specifically. And beer to a lesser extent. I love them both, but they don't love me. Or maybe they love me too much. Either way, hanging out with them is not helping me be the best version of myself. In fact, I truly believe that if I keep drinking, they will destroy me in the long run.
You might be wondering what finally got me to accept that I need to stop drinking. I've been a drinker my entire adult life. Not always to excess, but I've always enjoyed my beer and wine. I've gone through periods where I've consistently drunk way too much, only to back off, quit for a while, and regain control (or so I thought). Lately, however, I've been drinking every single day. Yes, that's right. Every. Single. Day. Most days, I'd have a bottle of wine. The entire thing, and I'd usually want more when it was gone.
Last Friday night, I was home alone and was drinking my typical red wine, and I found myself thinking that I didn't even care for the taste of it. Yet I continued drinking it. Until it was gone. When I woke up the next morning, I accepted how ridiculous that was, and I found this site. I made the decision to not drink anymore. What a totally overwhelming thought! But I was going to do it!
I still had a bottle of wine in the house plus some beer. I should have thrown it out, but I didn't want to waste all that money. (Yeah, dumb, I know.) I ate lunch at home (wanted a beer with it, but resisted) and then went to my son's band contest all afternoon. By the time I had left that contest, the voice in my head had convinced me that I shouldn't waste the wine and that I'd just finish it today and start the no-drinking thing on Sunday. So I promptly went home and opened the bottle. By the time the bottle was half empty, I was worried I might run out before I went to bed, so I drove to the gas station and picked up another. I actually drank a glass out of that one as well.
I woke up feeling like utter crap Sunday morning and promptly poured the rest of the wine and my beer down the drain.
I haven't had a drink since then. I'm on Day 6. It feels like forever, yet it feels like nothing.
I started a hand-written journal, but I've never been a fan of writing things out by hand. I think I'm going to use this blog as my journal, and see how that goes. My life is pretty normal and boring, so I doubt this blog will be exciting, but it will at least provide me a way to talk to myself without looking like a nut.
I have to say, I never thought I'd find myself on a website like this. I typically spend time on workout sites or healthy eating sites or Doberman sites or news sites or any place other than here.
What brings me here?
I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol. Wine specifically. And beer to a lesser extent. I love them both, but they don't love me. Or maybe they love me too much. Either way, hanging out with them is not helping me be the best version of myself. In fact, I truly believe that if I keep drinking, they will destroy me in the long run.
You might be wondering what finally got me to accept that I need to stop drinking. I've been a drinker my entire adult life. Not always to excess, but I've always enjoyed my beer and wine. I've gone through periods where I've consistently drunk way too much, only to back off, quit for a while, and regain control (or so I thought). Lately, however, I've been drinking every single day. Yes, that's right. Every. Single. Day. Most days, I'd have a bottle of wine. The entire thing, and I'd usually want more when it was gone.
Last Friday night, I was home alone and was drinking my typical red wine, and I found myself thinking that I didn't even care for the taste of it. Yet I continued drinking it. Until it was gone. When I woke up the next morning, I accepted how ridiculous that was, and I found this site. I made the decision to not drink anymore. What a totally overwhelming thought! But I was going to do it!
I still had a bottle of wine in the house plus some beer. I should have thrown it out, but I didn't want to waste all that money. (Yeah, dumb, I know.) I ate lunch at home (wanted a beer with it, but resisted) and then went to my son's band contest all afternoon. By the time I had left that contest, the voice in my head had convinced me that I shouldn't waste the wine and that I'd just finish it today and start the no-drinking thing on Sunday. So I promptly went home and opened the bottle. By the time the bottle was half empty, I was worried I might run out before I went to bed, so I drove to the gas station and picked up another. I actually drank a glass out of that one as well.
I woke up feeling like utter crap Sunday morning and promptly poured the rest of the wine and my beer down the drain.
I haven't had a drink since then. I'm on Day 6. It feels like forever, yet it feels like nothing.
I started a hand-written journal, but I've never been a fan of writing things out by hand. I think I'm going to use this blog as my journal, and see how that goes. My life is pretty normal and boring, so I doubt this blog will be exciting, but it will at least provide me a way to talk to myself without looking like a nut.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Day 5
Today was Day 5, and it was pretty ok. Smilie I physically felt better than I have all week, although I'm still tired since I'm not sleeping well. I had some pretty strong urges this afternoon at work, which seem to happen like clockwork every afternoon. I got a cup of coffee, and that seemed to help. I wasn't tempted at all after that.
I'm taking a day off work tomorrow just for grins. Not really sure what I'm going to do as we're in the middle of a huge "rain event" as they call it on the news. I think I may just relax and read and do a lot of nothing!
I'm taking a day off work tomorrow just for grins. Not really sure what I'm going to do as we're in the middle of a huge "rain event" as they call it on the news. I think I may just relax and read and do a lot of nothing!
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